can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
