I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
