Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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