Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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