I'm going to jail i love you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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