hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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