at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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