I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
