He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
