I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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