I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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