sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
