On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
