I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
