I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
