We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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