the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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