I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
