I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
