So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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