did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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