remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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