my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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