mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
