Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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