Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
