Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
