Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
