Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
