Pregnant stripper...not hot.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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