Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
