Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
