The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt