even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh god it's open bar.