the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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