so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
