Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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