Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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