dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
