U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
