Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
