I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
