Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
