Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
