So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian