everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.