4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
