May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
