There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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