I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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