Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
