I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
