I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
