Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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