Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
