why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did I show you my penis last night?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
