her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
